Terminator Salvation

VERDICT:

2/10 Lava-Covered Cyborgs

What a lame-ass, disappointing, flaming hot load of dog shit this movie is.

Taking place in 2018, Terminator Salvation follows John Connor as he leads the human resistance in the war against the machines with the help of a terminator/ex-con with a heart of gold. Yup, it's the same old story.

I didn't have very high expectations going in to this movie for a lot of reasons. Instead of being directed by James Cameron, it was helmed by a guy who goes by the assclown moniker of McG, an individual who's only real claim to fame was directing the Charlie's Angels movies. There are a couple things in that sentence that should be pretty big warning signs for you. To make matters worse, the rapper Common is in it. Not that his performance really detracted from the movie in light of everything else that goes wrong, but I'm a firm believer in that if you cast rappers in serious roles, you're movie is a goddamn joke.

Also, I thought the new Transformers movie was coming out in June. I guess I was wrong.

For some reason, everyone in the future is only aloud to speak in yells and grumbles. They also have to say "John Connor" every five minutes, just so no one forgets. It's all pretty strange, but man, 2018 is going to be annoying.

I know it's a high order to try and make a movie, let alone a sequel, that's on par with The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day, but then again, it couldn't hurt to at least try. I never thought I'd be looking back on Terminator 3 as being the glory days of the franchise, but now it's become a borderline masterpiece.

Terminator Salvation is boring, it's horribly paced, the action scenes suck, and it adds absolutely nothing to the franchise in regards to both story and substance. The only slight saving grace of the movie is newcomer Sam Worthington as the new, friendly neighborhood terminator. He wasn't great by any means, but he at least made the movie hardly interesting and I'm anxious to see him in James Cameron's next movie, Avatar.

Still, not a reason to see this movie.

My friend and I laughed our way through most of this movie and he went so far as to call it one of the worst movies he's ever seen in his life. And you know what, he's not really that far off.

There are a million other things you could be doing for two hours instead. Maybe take up smoking crack. Much better use of your time.

God, I really hope that McG reads this one day.

You suck, dude. You blew it.

And your name's Joe, ass.